Happy Birthday to a very special boy in my life… yes, you guessed it: Joaquin Phoenix.

New reason for getting up in the morning: The Colbert Report. (It’s French… bitch!)

Old reason for getting up in the morning: wheat bagels. (I’m not longer allowing myself to eat such lovely things as breakfast pastries.)

New reason to stop eating sausage: the pig slaughtering I saw on Tuesday.

Old reason to stop eating sausge: I don’t particularly enjoy the taste.

Hey, has anyone read the Jarhead book? And if so, is it worth reading before I go see the movie?

I hope to read Memoirs of a Geisha before December. But who knows when I’ll get around to all this reading I plan on doing. Hell, I haven’t even read the Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

But I can blame Bill Clinton for putting me behind in my reading. That books is HARD to read.

I would like to wish my dear friend Arden a Happy Birthday!

I doubt many understand my profound relationship with my television like Arden does. Thanks for being my Veronica Mars buddy!

You know what’s pretty cool? Getting paid. Yeah, I loved getting my paycheck today.

You know what’s not cool? Freshmen 15. Man, they weren’t kidding about it either. But then, I’ve been pretty lazy about working out lately, so it’s my fault.

So on Monday I had my very first whole-wheat bagel. It was delicious. Heck, it was BAGEL-icious. But I shouldn’t have done it. Because for the life of me I cannot stop eating whole-wheat bagels now.

But at least I’ve stopped eating like 2 donuts a day. And it’s all thanks to the bagels.

If one day you find yourself having to choose between visiting Little Rock, Arkansas or Memphis, Tennessee, I have some advice for you:

Choose Memphis.

I hate the new Jettas. Can you say downgrade?

Oh, Nicolas Cage.

How in the world did you get your wife to agree to that?